Almost no one walks down the aisle thinking that “I do” will one day turn into “I don’t.” And yet, with more than half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s a reality many women will face.
When you’re divorcing a partner with narcissistic traits—such as chronic manipulation, lack of accountability, or image management—the process can feel especially disorienting. What feels shocking or deeply personal to you may be routine to the legal system.
“It’s like childbirth—no one tells you the real truth about the divorce process,” says Jacqueline Newman, a New York City–based divorce lawyer and author of Soon-to-Be Ex: A Woman’s Guide to Her Perfect Divorce and Relaunch. Here are ten essential things women should know if they’re considering ending their marriage.
Affairs Do Not Shock Judges
You may have been blindsided by your ex’s affair, but chances are, the judge won’t blink an eye. Infidelity is a common cause of divorce, and all 50 states offer no-fault divorce—meaning you don’t need to prove cheating to end a marriage.
For partners with narcissistic traits, affairs are often tied to entitlement, validation-seeking, or maintaining a desired self-image—factors that are emotionally devastating but largely irrelevant in court.
“A court will not typically agree that because he was a bad husband, he is now a bad father,” says Newman. “The effect of an affair (even an affair with your best friend) will not have an impact on the determinations a court makes in terms of custody.”
Be Prepared to Do a Lot of the Legwork
Preparing for divorce can feel like a full-time job. Unless you have the resources to delegate everything to your attorney, you may find yourself gathering documents, tracking finances, and organizing information yourself.
In high-conflict dynamics, especially those involving manipulation or control, one partner often delays, withholds, or “forgets” information—leaving the other to carry both the emotional and practical load.
And while you may already feel like you’ve been doing everything anyway, there will still be moments when his absence is noticeable. It may be cold outside—but the garbage isn’t going to take itself out.
Your Ex Will Probably Have Custody of Your Kids
The idea of your child spending weekends with an ex who doesn’t enforce routines—or prioritize consistency—can be incredibly stressful. Still, in most cases, fathers will have parenting time, often including overnights.
“Many moms don’t think about the fact that, except in rare situations, dads will have time alone with the children,” says Newman.
When narcissistic dynamics are involved, parenting time may feel less child-focused and more about control, image, or leverage. While difficult, accepting what you cannot control—and documenting what truly matters—can help you stay grounded.
Divorce Can Take a Long Time
Television divorces wrap up neatly in an hour. Real life doesn’t work that way.
“If you litigate, it can take many months or even years,” says Newman. “Even if you settle quickly, it can be at least three to six months before you’re actually divorced.”
When one partner thrives on delay or conflict, the process can stretch even longer. As Newman notes, a marriage can happen in under an hour—but a divorce rarely does.
You Don’t Have to Go to Court to Get Divorced
The thought of stepping into a courthouse can feel intimidating—the formality, the judge, the loss of control.
“Many people assume the only way to get divorced is to go to court and see a judge,” says Newman. “And that can be so scary that many people stay in marriages just to avoid it.”
But court isn’t the only option. If both parties are relatively cooperative, mediation or collaborative divorce can offer more constructive alternatives—especially when major issues like custody and asset division are not being used as leverage.
Social Media Is Not Your Friend During Divorce
Divorce is emotional, especially when delays or provocations arise. It’s tempting to vent or seek validation online—but restraint is essential.
“If you’re thinking about divorce or already going through it, stay away from your phone,” says Newman.
In high-conflict relationships, reactions can be baited and later weaponized. Screenshots last forever, and anything you post can resurface in court—even if you delete it.
Grieving Your Marriage Is a Real Thing
Even when divorce feels necessary, the emotional fallout can be intense. Divorce grief is real—and in some ways, it can feel worse than a death.
“In divorce, you are reminded of the failed relationship and the anger remains each time your ex picks up the children,” says Newman. “It’s okay—and expected—to go through a mourning process.”
When accountability or closure is absent, grief can feel unresolved. Be prepared for waves of emotion triggered by memories, music, or moments you didn’t anticipate.
You’re Going to Lose Some Friends
You may expect financial loss, but many people underestimate the social impact.
“A legal divorce ends the marriage, but few people think about the social divorce,” says Newman.
Mutual friends may feel compelled to choose sides—or distance themselves entirely. It hurts, but clarity matters. The people who remain are the ones who truly belong in your corner.
You Need to Invest in Yourself
It’s a cliché that people look and feel better after divorce—but that transformation often comes from finally having emotional space.
This isn’t about blame; it’s about rediscovery. Whether it’s revisiting an old passion or trying something new, investing in yourself is an act of self-preservation.
“You should start to create your enjoyable distraction before the divorce process begins so it can be a comfort to you during and after,” says Newman.
You’re Making the Right Decision
Research shows children do better with two happy parents in separate households than with two unhappy parents in the same one. Your children want you well.
If ending your marriage opens the door to healthier dynamics—and models self-respect and emotional stability—then it may be the right decision for you and your family.
